The Amazingly Better Twilight
by causeiloveslimshady
Summary: Twilight in in view. Includes overly-dramatic characters, sarcasm, and of course, a psychotic Bella.


The Failure That is Twilight: The First Day at School

Scene one: Bella going to Charlie's home and recieving a truck that's older than her father.

Bella Swan, formerly known as Bella "that idiot brunette who can't catch a damned volleyball without being whacked in the face with it" Swan travels across half the continential US and goes to live with her father, Charlie. Of course, Charlie Swan is thrilled with the fact that he is Bella's second choice, so he buys a truck that's about 5 to 10 years older than himself and gives it to Bella as a "Your back, hurrah!" gift.

Because Charlie is so cheap, he can't bear with the fact of wasting money for his own flesh and blood, so he buys a truck from his friend [with benefits, I'm sure], Billy. Billy Black's son, Jacob, is extremely excited to have a brand new piece of ass to humilate publicly, so he goes out of his way to try to hook up with her, climbing into the truck that he just lost. He and Bella have a hot and steamy make-out session (missing scene!) while Charlie and Billy are having some fun on the driveway. With a wheelchair, no less. Bella forgets the fact that she and Jacob used to make mud-pies together, and tries to rip off his pants in her sudden haste to 'start new' in Forks.

After those shenanigans, Bella unpacks her shit into the room she's had since she was a baby, before Charlie and Renee got divorced.

Scene Two: Going to school and looking like an idiot while ogling at Cullen's faces at lunch and being emotionally ripped apart by Edward's rejection of her scent)

The next morning, Bella has a spaz-attack before school and somehow misses falling out of her car in the morning. In the dreaded biology, she meets some hot piece of ass named Eddie, who is extremely pale and emotionally scarred by nothing else but..her smell? What the hell, Eddie? (Bella's exact thoughts as he inhales the air near her head and facial area) Bella assumes she's some horrible ogre and does a pit-check, only to realize that nothing is wrong and that Eddie boy is mentally insane. After all this, Bella sees Eddie begging the old hag behind the desk at the office. "Please, oh please may I change classes? I'm afraid I may cruelly bring my lab partner to a horrible death that will go on as a mystery, even though her dad is a police chief and there's security cameras everywhere!" The old hag rips her eyes away from the back of Edward's pants and says "No, sorry, you gotta stay in that class," just to see him leave and sneak a peak at his butt.

Bella is emotionally scarred by this, and automatically goes deep into a prolonged depression until lunch, which I shall now show you in play form.

Scene one: The lunch room BEFORE the Cullens:

Jess: So like, yah, Mikey was TOTALLY checking out, like, my ass after math this morning! -annoying titters of laughter-  
Angela: Oh, uhrm, yeah. That's nice, Jess, but you told us that twelve and a half times before. Jess: Did you know Mikey checked out my fat, ugly, jiggly ass before? Angela: ...-facepalm-  
Jess: I'm going to go hook up with him tonight!:D Angela: UH.  
Bella: Hi.  
Jess: Mikey checked out my ass today. OMG LOL I H8 U S0000 MUCHHHHHH! (don't ask how she can speak in text talk)  
Bella: Cooooool.

Scene two: The lunch room AFTER the Cullens (using emoticons, emotions, and less than twenty words):

Bella (ogling at Cullen table): 3_3 Jasper: ? (thoughts: she feels like she just got hit by Tyler's car..wait, nevermind, that's the next chapter)  
Alice: :D (thoughts: new barbie :D)  
Rosalie: ..|.. (thoughts: I hate you.)  
Emmett: x_x (thoughts: it's been too long since rosie and i have...)  
Edward: 3_3 (thoughts: BLOOD OMMNOMNOMNOMNOM) D:  
Jess: :OO! (thoughts: edward is gay! he turned me down! LOL lyk wht guYY turnz m33 d0wNN? iiM justT a DiiRTY sluTT!)  
Angela: ~_~ (thoughts: does ben like me? i hope ben likes me. i like ben. maybe i'll ask ben out! ben ben ben :D3)  
Mike: Meet me at 7 2nite, kk jess babez xx (thoughts: ii M G3TT!NG LUKKii 3NiiTEE! XxX [mike is a scene wannabe in my head :D])

R&R3


End file.
